Saturday, September 15, 2007

In Search of Red Underwear

There is a routine that I perform in my act that involves me taking off my clothes onstage and standing in a Superman-type outfit. It's a powder blue unitard with a pair of red bikini briefs worn on the outside to round out the look. The time came recently for me to replace the costume, and I was eager to make some changes to my original design. The unitard still worked well, but the neckline had to be changed. On the original, the outfit had a small collar that would sometimes be seen before it was supposed to be. Granted, to the audience it would just appear as if I was wearing an undershirt, but the point was I didn't want it seen at all until the climactic moment of my act. The new costume I had made corrected that problem with the absence of a collar.

Along with the new costume I had to buy a new pair of red bikini briefs. Considering that I had to have special silk screened graphics put on the front of the specially ordered unitards I had just acquired, I thought that obtaining a new pair of briefs would be the least difficult part of my costume-replacing task.

I had no idea what I was up against...

First, purchasing an individual pair of briefs these days is out of the question. You can only find bikini briefs in packages ranging from the Walmart , Macy's, or JC Penney's packages of three on up to the Costco packages of ninety-two. I was not opposed to buying packages of three as long as at least one of the briefs was my desired color. What I found instead was a wide array of briefs in colors other than a simple red. You would think that red would be incredibly easy to find, wouldn't you?

No.

Instead I found briefs in Alizarin, Amaranth, Cardinal, Carmine, Cerise, Chestnut, Dark Pink, Fuchsia, Magenta, Maroon, Mauve taupe, Persimmon, Rust, Puce, Sangria, Terra cotta, and Vermilion.

Crimony, people! Can I JUST have a RED pair of underwear?! It shouldn't be that difficult!

Not only did I find every shade of red -- other than JUST red -- imaginable, I also came across a number of different wild patterns featured on these briefs that make me wonder just what is going on in the bedrooms of this country...and how I can learn more about it?! I saw more leopard spots than I think there are leopards left in the world. What exactly is it about the nature of the bikini brief that lends itself to leopard spots and other lascivious designs? In the underwear family it seems as if the brief is the lecherous "devil-may-care" pervert with flames originating from the "action area" and flickering upward toward the waistband, while the boxer comes off as the prudish and dull puritan who will be seen in nothing but paisley or dull earth tones. The wildest the boxer will willingly become -- when it is throwing all caution to the wind -- is polka dots or bottles of Tabasco Sauce.

One other drawback in my search was the actual search itself. I can't remember a time in my life when I've looked at more men's crotches in such a short period of time. If there was one, I'm sure I've blocked it out of my mind!

Finally, in the very back of a row in the men's department of my fourth Walmart in one day, there sat a package of underwear that had one solid red pair of briefs in it, and I now wear them proudly. Not just as the humorous ending of my act, but -- more importantly -- as the symbol of my triumph!

--Shawn

Shawn McMaster
Conjured-Up Creations
P.O. Box 973
Newbury Park, CA 91319
(805) 480-0703
www.conjuredupcreations.com